Kebab Academy

Hello again, Döner Fans. Many of you have written in to ask for more information about me, the one and only Dr Döner. Your flattery touches me. Some of the most frequently asked questions concern where exactly I earned my PhD in so-called Döner Studies, and whether or not there are indeed any establishments that offer such a niche and unlikely academic qualification. The answer to both these questions is yes. I present to you: Kebab Academy.

A charming Frenchwoman welcomes you to the homepage of Kebab Academy

I’m not going to pretend it was easy. Three gruelling years studying under some of the best French masters in rotisserie cuisine certainly help put your life into perspective. But I emerged from the kitchens of the Kebab Academy a changed man. A better man. A greater man.

Remember to book now for the July sessions

A glance at the class timetable will elucidate the intricacy of such a challenging course of study. Classes were divided between core subjects on Döner Theory and a great deal of practical experience-gathering. Visiting professors from Turkey would hold lectures on all topics pertaining to the art of the kebab, and of course many kebabs were also eaten as field work.

Kebab Academy is easily accessible by land or sea

I hope this has answered some of your questions. I invite any sceptics to visit the Kebab Academy website, where proof can be found that this fabled place does in fact exist. Bye for now, Döner Fans!

http://kebabacademy.fr/

Bilakis – Wichertstraße 0

Hello again, Döner Fans. Let me share with you another nugget of meat-based wisdom. Today my lunch-buddies and I were strolling through the pleasant streets of Prenzlauer Berg when we happened upon a magical place called Bilakis, just off Schönhauser Allee. A charming place with jaunty benches and parasols, we homed in on the wafting scents of fine kebab meat and graced the establishment with our custom. The amiable gents at the Bilakis kebab shop are craftsmen in the fine tradition of the Gemüsedöner, as made popular by Herr Mustafa, that fabled icon of the rotating meat industry. With high expectations, my colleagues and I thus shuffled into the welcoming shade of the shop’s awning on this fine summer’s day and placed our orders.

The welcoming hatch of Bilakis with pleasant outdoor seating

As all connoisseurs of the kebab will know, it would have been churlish to select anything other than a dürüm. I watched with unbridled joy as the artisan on the other side of the hatch lovingly carved slices of chicken from the rotating meat-stick and then strewed it with fresh salad, cheese, and a squirt of fresh lemon. A few roast vegetables were added, and the feast was served up. Seating ourselves upon an inviting plastic bench, we tucked in with gusto.

A glimpse into the inner workings of a delicious kebab

The meat was moist, the salad was fresh, and the flavours were exquisite. Well done, Bilakis! You receive the Dr Döner seal of approval. I ought to mention however, that my colleague, who ordered only a portion of chips, was disappointed and found them to be both “flabby” and “mushy”. But enough of that nonsense – for who, Döner Fans, who goes to a kebab shop and asks for chips, I ask you? Of all the absurdity. On a side note, it may interest the linguists among you that Bilakis is Turkish for something like “vice versa”. Do with that information what you will. I wash my hands of it.

Results

Service: 5/5 (jolly and efficient)

Atmosphere: 4/5 (very pleasant with outdoor seating)

Price: 4/5 (well worth it)

Taste: 5/5 (magnificent!)

To Recap: What Have We Learned?

“bilakis” [bi-la-kis] (vice versa)

Photography courtesy of Ms. A. Pries

DISCO DÖNER

Say what?? That’s right: Dr Döner is NOT DEAD. Dr Döner is alive and well, carving his way through fresh swathes of reconstituted meat in the endless search for kebab enlightenment. “Where has this search led him?” I hear you ask silently. And the answer is DISCO DÖNER. A popular hotspot for kebab-lovers in the Schönhauser Allee area, it was high time that I graced this jaunty meat-hut with a review. And so it was that two Fridays ago I staggered in off the street to partake of their wares.

A lone reveller gets down to Disco Döner’s sick beats

Disco Döner is not actually the kebab shop’s real name, however. It is in fact called “KAPLAN” which, as we all know, is Turkish for ‘tiger’. WRITE THAT DOWN, DÖNER FANS. However, it is known popularly as Disco Döner because at all hours of the day and night it blasts out chart hits at full volume, giving its clientèle something to bop to while they chow down on kebabs. Anyway, the scene was thus: myself, a Finn and a Norwegian were on our way to the tram one Friday night only to see that our next ride wouldn’t arrive for another 30 minutes. Always one to turn a problem into an opportunity, I ushered us into the seedy lights of Disco Döner so that we would have something delicious to eat while we waited for the next Straßenbahn. I ordered a dürüm and we sat down to eat.

Have you ever seen such manly hands???

The dürüm was, I have to say, not the finest that I have ever had, but it did keep body and soul together. We munched and chatted to the friendly staff (whose names, I believe, were Ali and Ismet) and they enjoyed our company so much that they even gave us a free can of 7up. No word of a lie, Döner fans! While halfway through our kebabs however, we saw the tram streaking by and realised that we had missed our next ride to the party. Disappointed by this stroke of fate but satisfied with our meal, we decided to call it a night. And with that Dr Döner took his leave of Disco Döner and traipsed off into the back streets of Berlin, biding his time until the next meal. ALWAYS ALLOW ENOUGH TIME FOR YOUR JOURNEYS, DÖNER FANS! Until next time, thanks for reading!

Results

Service: 5/5 (Ali and Ismet were very friendly and obliging)

Atmosphere: 2/5 (slightly grotty)

Price: 3/5 (standard, can’t complain)

Taste: 2/5 (nothing special)

To Recap: What Have We Learned?

“kaplan” [kap-lan] (tiger)

photography courtesy of Mr. V. Virtanen