My Favourite Spam

Hello Döner Fans. When your blog becomes as popular as this one (by which I mean not very popular at all) it begins to attract an increasing volume of spam. Thankfully, there are copious anti-spam plug-ins out there, which are capable of fencing you off from the vast majority of these unwelcome outbursts of embarrassment, vulgarity, and oddness. The Dr Döner spam filter currently contains about 3,800 spam messages.

A tin of spam. I wouldn't climb over a nice kebab for it.

Spam is like red cabbage in your döner. There is always more of it than you would like. But what to do with it all?

I have always striven to turn problems into opportunities, Döner Fans. And so, after a brisk trawl through some of my most recent spam, I found the following nuggets for you, as a flavour of the vast amount of junk that floats around out there on the internet.

As you will see, the world of spam is populated by people flogging dodgy links, selling fake fashion replicas, and marketing Viagra. It is a glimpse into a bizarre, mercenary, and sexually-charged world. Here, for your perusal, is a selection of some of my spam. Enjoy, Döner Fans!

 

replica watches: “Thanks for the marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.”

Thank you, ‘replica watches’. And I’ll be sure to put you on the list for a complimentary copy of my first novel.

 

hn skin care: “Нoneymark uses Manuka Honey in іts skin care products, which is naturallу produсed by bees who gather nectar from the Manuka tree, indigenous to the pollution-free environmеnt of New Zealand.”

This spam was factual and interesting. Doesn’t have much to do with kebabs though.

 

wine: “Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!”

I’m sure you had to tell someone. But that someone was not me.

 

time tregg sees: ”Hello, you used to write great, butt the last few posts have been kinda boring… I miss your great writings. Past few posts are justt a little out of track! come on!”

Clearly ‘time tregg sees’ (if that is his real name) is not a kebab fan. Probably only eats shawarma.

 

t shirt halloween femme enceinte: “Great items from you, man. I’ve take note your stuff prior to and you are simply extremely magnificent. I really like what you have obtained here, really like what you are saying and the way in which in which you assert it. You make it entertaining and you continue to care for to stay it wise. I can not wait to read far more from you. That is really a terrific site.”

Not sure why this is spam, really. Sounds like legitimate praise to me.

 

domains za: “Actually no matter if someone doesn’t be aware of afterward its up to other people that they will help, so here it occurs.”

Cryptic… very cryptic. I will spend hours tonight trying to prise pearls of meaning from this linguistic clam. All suggestions are welcome, Döner Fans.

 

telewizja online za darmo w uk: ”It’s impressive that you are getting thoughts from this paragraph as well as from our dialogue made at this place.”

I’m afraid I have no recollection of that dialogue, sadly. Which is a shame, because it sounds as if we would really have got on.

 

otc male enhancement: ”I quickly stood up and attempted to push the balls out with my vagina. Feel free to visit my blog”

Whoa there! This sounds like an excerpt from a challenging piece of contemporary performance art.  Wasn’t Equus deemed controversial when it first came out, after all? As for visiting the blog, though…nah.

 

Well that’s all for now, Döner Fans. But no doubt there will be more soon. In the meantime I’m off to see if I can figure out what ‘domains za’ was trying to tell me. Wish me luck…

Au revoir!

Berlin Kebab Update – Kottbusser Tor

Greetings, Döner Fans. This is not really a proper post, just a quick update. As some of you may know, Dr Döner is on another one of his regular junkets to Berlin, just to keep an eye on things and check that kebab standards haven’t slipped. It was with a throb of glee that I alighted today at Kottbusser Tor – that well-known Mecca of meaty goodness. I made for Efi’s Deli. But alas! Alack! For Efi’s Deli is no more. It has been replaced by something called a “BurgerMeister”. And yet, importuned but unperturbed, I walked a mere five paces further and came to a welcome old favourite: Mısır Çarşısı.

And there I ordered a dürüm and an ayran. And both of them were delicious. Thus, whereas before you would have had the choice between that and Efi’s Deli, now I able to recommend only Mısır Çarşısı (Egyptian Market in English). To sum up, my brief survey of Kottbusser Tor’s kebab situation is as follows: Mısır is good, Efi’s is gone, Kottiwood is still naff. That’s all for now, Döner Fans!

Kebab Quotes Part II

Readers have been requesting another round-up of all the famous kebab quotes that have been collected since the last trawl through current affairs and popular culture. It’s almost unbelievable how often kebabs have been on the minds of prominent figures, or featured on the pages of well-known literary classics. And yet when you look, the evidence is there. Do feel free to send in any of your own quotes that you have overheard, Döner Fans. They might even make it onto the blog.

“The evidence available at the time suggested that the kebabs could be ready and delivered in under 45 minutes.”

-Tony Blair

 

“Independence will make kebab-shop owners better off not just in Scotland, but in the rest of the UK.”

-Nicola Sturgeon

 

“An evening without kebab is a bird without wings.”

-Salvador Dali

 

“All you have to do is eat one true kebab. Eat the truest kebab that you know.”

-Ernest Hemingway

 

“Red cabbage in a kebab?? I had rather chop this hand off at a blow, And with the other fling it at thy face.”

-William Shakespeare, Henry VI

 

“The position of the kebab in the Geographical Pivot of History is well known.”

-Halford Mackinder

 

“Greece’s future in the Eurozone is dependent on its capacity to maintain its kebab output.”

-Angela Merkel

 

“You look foreign, do you make kebabs?”

-Prince Philip

 

“Frodo! You must cast the kebab into the fires of Mount Doom. Only then will Middle Earth be saved.”

-Gandalf, The Lord of the Rings

Sir Halford 'Big Macka' Mackinder. Geopolitician and kebab enthusiast.

 

Readers’ Photos

Hold the phone, Dr Döner has gone international! Fans of the blog from places as far away as Oxford have been sending in images of themselves posing with kebabs, and my God why shouldn’t they! If there is one thing to be said about the döner, it is its ability to bring together people of all races and religions and unite them in their love for fast and greasy meals. Behold the joys of the döner in action:

Two fans pose with their ill-gotten gains outside Hassan's Oxford kebab van

Committed readers of this blog will recall my anecdote whereby, in Oxford, some charlatan of a kebab-man fried my salad before my very eyes. This crime was so egregious that I was left speechless. The trauma has meant that I am to this day unable to recall whether it was at Hassan’s kebab van that this occurred or not. It may well have been.

A lady balances her felafel while stepping aboard a moored punt

This is not really döner, but it was bought from a döner purveyor and thus demonstrates the diversity of fare that you can come across at your average UK kebab van. If you would like to be featured in a post like this then don’t forget to send in your own photos, Döner Fans!

Photography courtesy of Ms. G. Andrejeva

STOP ALL THE CLOCKS

Döner Fans, I bring you sombre news. I wish it were not so. Fish out your black armbands, for this is a sad day in the kebab calendar. All jests shall be put aside. If you had not heard already, Kadir Nurman, the gentleman widely credited with inventing the Döner Kebab, has carved his last slice from the great, rotating meat-stick of life and has departed from our mortal company. Yes, this colossus of the fast-food industry has passed away at the grand age of 80. So long, great man! Allow me to present humbly the following obituary. And as one might say in his native Turkey: nur içinde yat, Kadir Usta!

Kadir Nurman: the great man himself, tucking into a good meal

Obituary

Kadir Nurman, born 1933 in Istanbul, is the man who first sold döner meat and salad in flat bread. At the age of 26 he emigrated from Istanbul to Stuttgart, finally moving to West Berlin in 1966 where he worked as a mechanic for a printing press. In 1972 he opened a Döner stall at Berlin’s Zoologischer Garten train station, thus revolutionising the West German food industry. Kadir Nurman altruistically did not seek to patent his invention and as such did not profit from the subsequent explosion of popularity in döner kebabs once other vendors got hold of the idea. While selling grilled meat on a skewer was common practice in Turkey, the idea of stuffing it into a bit of bread and lashing it with sauces came from him. In his own words: ‘through me the kebab was known’.

Kadir Nurman casting a sagely eye over recent kebab developments

There you have it, Döner Fans. Doff your caps for this departed hero. I for one shall be marking his departure with a kebab. I hope we meet again in happier times.

To Recap: What Have We Learned?

“nur içinde yat” [noor eetch-een-day yat] (rest in peace)

photographs courtesy of Berliner Zeitung

Kebab Academy

Hello again, Döner Fans. Many of you have written in to ask for more information about me, the one and only Dr Döner. Your flattery touches me. Some of the most frequently asked questions concern where exactly I earned my PhD in so-called Döner Studies, and whether or not there are indeed any establishments that offer such a niche and unlikely academic qualification. The answer to both these questions is yes. I present to you: Kebab Academy.

A charming Frenchwoman welcomes you to the homepage of Kebab Academy

I’m not going to pretend it was easy. Three gruelling years studying under some of the best French masters in rotisserie cuisine certainly help put your life into perspective. But I emerged from the kitchens of the Kebab Academy a changed man. A better man. A greater man.

Remember to book now for the July sessions

A glance at the class timetable will elucidate the intricacy of such a challenging course of study. Classes were divided between core subjects on Döner Theory and a great deal of practical experience-gathering. Visiting professors from Turkey would hold lectures on all topics pertaining to the art of the kebab, and of course many kebabs were also eaten as field work.

Kebab Academy is easily accessible by land or sea

I hope this has answered some of your questions. I invite any sceptics to visit the Kebab Academy website, where proof can be found that this fabled place does in fact exist. Bye for now, Döner Fans!

http://kebabacademy.fr/

What is a Kebab made of Part 2

Dear Döner fans, please forgive me for my absence – I have been recuperating from a kebab-related injury which the doctors assured me would clear up a lot sooner. However, we all know that there is only one doctor in this world who is to be trusted! And his name is Dr Döner. Without much further ado, please enjoy this video that I found on the internet .

What is a Kebab made of?

One thing has haunted Döner eaters since the dawn of time. Even the most passionate of fans will have been struck by doubt, in the dead of night, by the question: what animal have I just eaten? It does not help matters that in Istanbul you are offered a choice of “tavuk” (chicken) or “et” (meat) since this leads only to the question of “which meat, exactly”? The type of animal is often undisclosed.

Is it one of these animals?

You can convince yourself that it is most likely lamb or veal, rotated against a hot grill until it loses all semblance of its former shape. If this forestalls a sleepless night, then so be it. But for many of us this wishful thinking will not suffice… Plagued by the question of where the meat comes from, we toss and turn, sweating like a Döner on a stick, unable to drift off. But hark! These nights of insomnia are over: images have surfaced from the internet and it has been ascertained that the kebab does in fact come from the legendary “kebab animal”! It looks like this:

A myth no longer.

So there you have it. No longer will you be afflicted by doubt: this wild and voracious beast is the source of all your meaty pleasures. Farmed in secret facilities, it is the principal provider of Döner throughout the kebab-eating world. You’re welcome, Döner fans!

To Recap: What Have We Learned?

“tavuk” [ta-vook] (chicken)

“et” [et] (meat)

Images sourced from: www.brettspiele-report.de and aitorysustxorradas.blogspot.com

Kebab Theft Sends Shockwaves Through Europe

Drunken louts make off with Mr Rashid’s kebab

Disturbing news, döner fans. Forget the Eurozone crisis: something of even more monstrous proportions took place in the early hours of Friday 15th June – something which has since sent shockwaves through the world of the kebab. Between 1am and 2am on Friday night, two thieves broke into Mr Azher Rashid’s Kebab Mahal restaurant on Dalkeith High Street near Edinburgh and made off with 70lb of frozen döner meat. A number of other meat-related delicacies were also pilfered. While the Daily Mail and the Mirror featured this heart-breaking story, many of the UK’s supposedly more respectable newspapers failed to give this heinous crime the attention it deserves. It is left to bloggers such as myself to highlight the seriousness of this event, and to dispel any notions that this theft is in any way amusing. Our thoughts are with Mr Rashid at this difficult time.

Frozen logs of kebab meat similar to that taken by thieves

Karma was evidently in play that night however, as one of the thieves got his comeuppance when he dropped the frozen log of döner meat on his foot. Upon viewing CCTV footage of the burglary, Mr Rashid cast doubt on the thieves’ intelligence, noting that they had ignored the till, which was full of cash, as well as the expensive computer equipment which had also been present in the same room. They had, it seems, been intent solely on purloining Mr Rashid’s döner meat. In truth we have all felt similar urges, döner fans, when the need for a kebab grows overwhelming – but we must keep these desires in check! Such crimes cannot be tolerated in the döner community. The suspects made off into the Scottish night with their ill-gotten gains, and have yet to be identified. Mr Rashid was distressed to recount that the pillar of döner meat would however quickly defrost, and without means to cook it the criminals had probably dumped it somewhere. It is yet to be found. This is Dr Döner, urging you to stay vigilant against any similar criminal activity in your area.

Pay your respects at http://www.kebabmahal.co.uk/

Images sourced from The Daily Record and www.myheimat.de

The World’s Largest Kebab (Dünyanın en büyük döneri)

The Largest Kebab

Breaking news, döner fans – the Aba Piknik kebab team in Ankara just smashed the world record for the largest ever döner. At 1198 kg this is a truly monstrous creation, looming in all its meaty glory over Ankara’s Youth Park (Gençlik Parkı). It has been officially entered into the Guinness Book of Records as the largest kebab ever.

An example of an Aba Piknik restaurant

After being weighed and measured, the 5 metre high tower of meat was served up for free to spectators in the park. The giant kebab apparently cost the lives of seven cows. Was it worth it? Who can say for sure. In any case, the kebab has now been entirely consumed and the only evidence left is a few glistening images from the internet. Rumours persist of an even bigger kebab built in 2005, however, which was erected at Melike Döner restaurant somewhere along the road from Bursa to Mudanya – this legendary meaty monolith is said to have weighed 2698 kg, which is surely a creative feat of insane proportions. It is not clear whether this will also get an entry in the Guinness Book of Records. But one thing is for sure: I wouldn’t like to be caught under either of them if they fell over. This is Dr Döner, bringing you the biggest kebab-related headlines from around the world. Eat safe.

The winners gather around their creation

Tebrik ederim Aba Piknik! (Congrats to Aba Piknik)

Images sourced from haberturk.com, abapiknik.com.tr and ilgazetesi.com.tr