My Favourite Spam Part III

Hello again, Döner Fans. Due to the rabbit-like proliferation of spam out here on the internet, ‘My Favourite Spam’ is turning into something of a regular feature on the Dr Döner site. Indeed, barely had I posted My Favourite Spam Part II, when my spam filter was once again bespattered in a renewed coating of unwanted and embarrassing dross.

It is not all bad news, however. One must take one’s entertainment where one finds it. And so, apropos of nothing at all, I leave you to the tender mercies of ‘hummingbird anatomy tongue’ and her fellow inmates at the spam asylum:

 

hummingbird anatomy tongue: “The nectar solution can be achieved in the home, employing a ratio of four parts water to a single part white cane sugar. All you must do is to finalize your bird tattoo design and make an appointment using your tattoo artist. Many people recommend creating a hummingbird tattoo for the shoulder mainly because it would look much like the bird is perching on you.”

Hm. You’re right. Now that I think about it, that is precisely what it would much look like!

"Hey, nice parrot tattoo."

 

weight loss tips and motivational sayings: “This might be enough to help you fit comfortably in your clothes. There is not any replacement for water, so do not think you can drink soda instead. A great way to start paying more attention to your diet regime is usually to start keeping a regular food diary.”

Does the Dr Döner blog count as a regular food diary?

 

CaraSmarttm: “Hi, i really like your page and i have just analyzed your backlinks.”

I wondered why it hurt when I sat down!

 

air jordan 13 black and white for sale: “What I see is a few in the stewards and staff least respected by members being promoted to positions of authority, solely because they’ve an ax to grind with the previous leaders. after the ceremony, my in-laws took everyone out to lunch to celebrate.”

I think there might be part of the story missing here.

 

YenPLivers: “Definitely consider that you stated. Your favourite reason seemed to be about the internet the simplest thing to take into accout of. I say to you personally, I certainly get annoyed even as other folks think of concerns that they plainly will not recognise about. You managed hitting the nail upon the most notable as smartly as outlined out the whole thing without needing complication , people can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks.”

Thank you, ‘YenPLivers’. I pride myself on being able to hit the nail upon the most notable.

 

friv online: “Hi i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anywhere, when i read this piece of writing i thought i could also make comment due to this sensible piece of writing. Visit my page.”

Don’t worry, ‘friv online’. Nobody’s first time is perfect.

 

JacobClyneq: “I don’t care about this, now i’m earning average $5500 a month.”

Harsh. It would be easy to laugh this off, but it certainly puts my life’s work into perspective.

 

marketing: “insert your data. Feel free to surf to my homepage.”

Insert my data? We hardly know each other.

 

lasertest: “Hello! Would you mind if I share your blog with my zynga group? There’s a lot of people that I think would really appreciate your content. Please let me know. Thanks.”

Not until you tell me what a zynga group is.

 

Liza: “Appreciation to mmy father who informed me regarding this weblog, this webpage is actually amazing.”

Thanks Liza. Your father is a man of taste.

 

mapmytracks: “I have actually been surfing online greater than three hrs recently, but I never found any sort of interesting short article like your own. Check out my site.”

As they say in the movies: “Napoleon, don’t be jealous just because I’ve been surfing online with babes for greater than three hrs recently.”

 

best steroids for lean mass: “Awesome things here. I am very happy to look your article. Thanks a lot and I am taking a look ahead to touch you. Will you kindly drop me a e-mail? Visit my weblog.”

Oh my. Did he mean ‘contact’ instead of ‘touch’? Let’s hope so.

 

That’s all for now, Döner Fans!

Dr D.

My Favourite Spam Part II

Hello, Döner Fans. If you enjoyed my earlier post, titled My Favourite Spam, then here is some more of exactly the same. Once again I have pushed my hand into the clammy confines of the spam filter and clawed out a handful of bizarre messages which somehow found their way to the Dr Döner website.

Some of them make sense, some of them don’t. As the writer Kahlil Gibran once observed, ‘our words are just crumbs that fall down from the feast of the mind’. When I look at these spam messages, I imagine that the feast of the mind that spawned them was composed mostly of offal, bin refuse, and LSD. See if you can tease any meaning from the messages below, and feel free to send in your suggestions. (I promise they won’t just end up in the spam filter.) Enjoy another helping of my spam, Döner Fans!

What the world presumably looks like to writers of spam.

 

false email address: “WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for different jerseys. Visit my web-site”

You came here by searching for jerseys did you, Mr ‘false email address’?

 

Romaine Monsour: “ATTENTION PLEASE! Being fat person is not your destiny! Let me introduce you the awesome new fat-loss system”

I made my choice when I started a blog about kebabs, and I will live with the flabby consequences on my own terms.

 

nfl jerseys earning: “Good day! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my previous room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing! Also visit my blog post”

Your previous roommate sounds like my sort of guy. Can’t wait to read more about him on your blog post.

 

Katrina: “Was in actual fact shopping for just an average shower enclosures during which I uncovered this fabulous site, did not even know there were any such thing as a ‘steam shower enclosure’, wow, might possibly just may have to acquire one. Stop by my homepage steam shower whirlpool tub”

No worries ‘Katrina’, my blog gets mistaken for a shower enclosure shop all the time.

 

usmovingsvc: “Thank you for this site, can blissfully announce we are in possession of a steam shower of our very own and we think its great. Here is my web page; steam and shower”

I guess ‘Katrina’ told her friends too.

 

basenotes: “Really had to stress I am delighted that i came in your website.”

Really hope you didn’t actually come in my website, ‘basenotes’.

 

Earnest: “Furthermore, we will not really perform any examination of your credit history or ask inquisitive questions regarding your financial status.”

Kind of you, Earnest. I always find those questions so awkward when strangers ask them.

 

sex prostitutes: “You actually make it seem so easy together with your presentation but I find this topic to be actually something that I feel I’d by no means understand. It sort of feels too complicated and extremely huge for me. I’m looking forward on your next post, I will try to get the hang of it!”

You’re right, ‘sex prostitutes’, describing kebabs is quite a complicated matter. I will try to make my next post less indecipherable.

 

why are cats afraid of cucumbers videos: “Yelling at or hitting your cats isn’t only mean, it’ll backfire on you. Diet with proteins and proper food plan is rather important for cats they usually need continuous having access to water. Tell me more to do with it, how can my dog’s diet affect things.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought most life-forms needed continuous access to water? Did you write this message because you are feeding kebabs to your cat?

 

Jacques Poellinetz: “Hi there, You can exit your job right now. Click the link here to learn how. Have a Good day”

Presumably I can exit my job right now when I am fired for clicking on this suspicious link?

 

Rob Liefeld’s worst Rob Liefeld Drawings By Rob Liefeld: “LEAVE THIS, DONT BE SELFISH. DONT DELETE THIS.”

Oh I’ve done more than that, Rob Liefeld. I’ve published it for all to enjoy. No need to thank me!

 

That’s it again for now, Döner Fans. Inevitably, it does seem like there will be more again very soon. Cheers!

Dr. D

My Favourite Spam

Hello Döner Fans. When your blog becomes as popular as this one (by which I mean not very popular at all) it begins to attract an increasing volume of spam. Thankfully, there are copious anti-spam plug-ins out there, which are capable of fencing you off from the vast majority of these unwelcome outbursts of embarrassment, vulgarity, and oddness. The Dr Döner spam filter currently contains about 3,800 spam messages.

A tin of spam. I wouldn't climb over a nice kebab for it.

Spam is like red cabbage in your döner. There is always more of it than you would like. But what to do with it all?

I have always striven to turn problems into opportunities, Döner Fans. And so, after a brisk trawl through some of my most recent spam, I found the following nuggets for you, as a flavour of the vast amount of junk that floats around out there on the internet.

As you will see, the world of spam is populated by people flogging dodgy links, selling fake fashion replicas, and marketing Viagra. It is a glimpse into a bizarre, mercenary, and sexually-charged world. Here, for your perusal, is a selection of some of my spam. Enjoy, Döner Fans!

 

replica watches: “Thanks for the marvelous posting! I truly enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.”

Thank you, ‘replica watches’. And I’ll be sure to put you on the list for a complimentary copy of my first novel.

 

hn skin care: “Нoneymark uses Manuka Honey in іts skin care products, which is naturallу produсed by bees who gather nectar from the Manuka tree, indigenous to the pollution-free environmеnt of New Zealand.”

This spam was factual and interesting. Doesn’t have much to do with kebabs though.

 

wine: “Today, I went to the beachfront with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!”

I’m sure you had to tell someone. But that someone was not me.

 

time tregg sees: ”Hello, you used to write great, butt the last few posts have been kinda boring… I miss your great writings. Past few posts are justt a little out of track! come on!”

Clearly ‘time tregg sees’ (if that is his real name) is not a kebab fan. Probably only eats shawarma.

 

t shirt halloween femme enceinte: “Great items from you, man. I’ve take note your stuff prior to and you are simply extremely magnificent. I really like what you have obtained here, really like what you are saying and the way in which in which you assert it. You make it entertaining and you continue to care for to stay it wise. I can not wait to read far more from you. That is really a terrific site.”

Not sure why this is spam, really. Sounds like legitimate praise to me.

 

domains za: “Actually no matter if someone doesn’t be aware of afterward its up to other people that they will help, so here it occurs.”

Cryptic… very cryptic. I will spend hours tonight trying to prise pearls of meaning from this linguistic clam. All suggestions are welcome, Döner Fans.

 

telewizja online za darmo w uk: ”It’s impressive that you are getting thoughts from this paragraph as well as from our dialogue made at this place.”

I’m afraid I have no recollection of that dialogue, sadly. Which is a shame, because it sounds as if we would really have got on.

 

otc male enhancement: ”I quickly stood up and attempted to push the balls out with my vagina. Feel free to visit my blog”

Whoa there! This sounds like an excerpt from a challenging piece of contemporary performance art.  Wasn’t Equus deemed controversial when it first came out, after all? As for visiting the blog, though…nah.

 

Well that’s all for now, Döner Fans. But no doubt there will be more soon. In the meantime I’m off to see if I can figure out what ‘domains za’ was trying to tell me. Wish me luck…

Au revoir!